孕产 (Yùn chan)

When my mom says she can never stop worrying about me and my sister, I cannot understand why she is so clingy. Three months into my pregnancy and I am getting to see things as she does – as a mother although I am not there yet.

Since the day I saw that faint second line on the home pregnancy kit, I have been nervous and scared. I am not tearing my hair apart neither have I turned obsessive. But below the careless façade that is not a façade but my true, genuine self, I am totally terrified – of doing something that might hurt the baby.

When the doctor said after looking at kiddo at two months that it was not growing and the amniotic sac was flat instead of being round, the first crease of worry crept on my forehead. Till the time I did not have my second ultrasound, I could not help imagining and living through the worst of possibilities. There was a whoop of joy and lots of relief when the doctor pronounced the little one as active and healthy. But if you think the joy of that 30 seconds of information that cost 800 dollars lasted for long, then you are wrong.

The next challenge is the Down syndrome’s test, which happens next week. It does not seem to be a big deal but every night when I go to sleep, I wonder what if my baby is one of the thousands who end up with it. Believe me, deciding whether you want to let your kid come into the world with that kind of disability or relieve them of a challenging life is the most difficult decision you could ever be forced to make as a parent that has just had a look at the tiny blob that took just a fortnight to grow hands and feet.

I am all optimistic and have left everything in God’s hand. We will have to wait for almost two to three weeks to know the test’s results. It will be a real long and painful wait. And I already know that would not be the end of it.

As I said to P the other day, we will never be relaxed now. Throughout our lives we will be worrying about the little one. One hurdle crossed would just be one hurdle down and nothing more. This is what I suppose my clingy mother lives with everyday.

PS: All is well and we have successfully cleared the Down syndrome’s test. The lil one is yet to make its presence felt and I am patiently waiting to feel that first kick.