To Ma

I stood as a kid in front of the mirror, and looked for similarities with you. Your smooth, white complexion, the graceful neck, the straight hair – I did not seem to have been blessed with any of it. The sting of the slap when I did not listen to you, further confirmed my fears that I was not your own.

Almost 25 years later, I cannot help but smile at the memory of my childishness. I am smiling again, as I walk by the dressing table. I am certainly beginning to look like you. The smile readily turns into a frown, as babu scampers with my t-shirt to mop the floor. I hear myself muttering some familiar words. Words you muttered when I and sis were up to some mischief. I wait to see if you heard me. To see if you will tell me that Idepend on her even to express my exasperation with my little devil. But you are busy. Busy being mommy.

I want to run to you once again. To tell you how I have waited a year - to come meet you. To touch you. To eat your food. To see you worked up over details. To drink sugary tea. To wear starched clothes. To smell the incense stick you burn every morning.

As babu runs away to lay siege elsewhere, I wonder would she miss me once she is all grown up. Would she wait to come back to me. Would she love her Ma.

Sleepless in SG

We leave for Spain tomorrow, and as the time for the 14-hour flight approaches, sleep has begun to elude me. It had bothered me less earlier as the daily motions of life, and planning and shopping for the trip kept me on my toes. But now that it is here, I can think of nothing but all that can go wrong travelling with a teething and restless, 15-months old.

A lot of people had warned us about holidays having to be put on hold after the baby's arrival. But to their surprise and ours, the contrary happened. We have been on a few mini vacations including an eight-hour road trip since last year. It has been far from easy. But better than sitting at home and dreaming about all the fun we are missing. Holidays, of course, are not what they used to be.



Everything and every moment has to be worked around the kid's schedule. One full day has to be treated as half a day, as meal times, naps, meltdowns, and the unthinkable have to be factored in. Yet, we have stuck to our guns. Made the best of our circumstances, and been happy with what we could do. And so, going on a long-distance trip seemed ok until now. Anyway, there is no turning back and nothing better than taking the devil by its horns.

Please pray for us, and I will soon send a hola from the other side of the world.

The year that was

The year 2012 was full of revelations – about myself and about people I called my own. My daughter’s birth almost a year ago set in motion a series of incidents that left me bitter, full of rage and cynical. While I struggled to take care of my girl, deal with ailments and settle down in a new country, my extended family ensured that I sank emotionally. I have been through enough quarrels, borne enough insult, been shocked enough, and cried enough as people denied what horrible things they said. I might not be the most perfect being, but I am fair and decent enough. I have never badmouthed anyone (until now), never played dirty games, and never been disrespectful to elders. But when you are forced to listen to insults against your family, be manipulated for everything you say, be taken advantage of because you do not know how to hit back, expected to compromise for the sake of peace at home – something breaks and something changes. I have had enough. Enough of the doormat treatment! I still do not know how to end it, but I am not going to take it anymore.