A flame is extinguished

When a person is gone you are only left with regrets – about not seeing them often, not doing more for them, doing something to bring a smile on their face and taking away a bit of their loneliness. My maternal grandfather died last night. When I called my mother in the middle of the night, it was impossible to speak to her through her sobbing and pain. My Nanaji’s death does not hurt me the way it hurts mom. She once said she will be truly orphaned once he is gone. I cannot even dare to imagine what life would be without my mom’s comforting voice a phone call away. My mom and Nanaji were not exactly close. It is impossible to be close when you are the seventh of eleven kids. But mom says Nanaji was all that a good father could be in small town India almost 35-40 years ago.

When my Nani was alive, their home was like a refuge; a place where each of their kids and their families fled to round the year to seek love and comfort that only comes from a warm heart and not a big house. After Nani’s death things changed quite a bit. Sadly, Nanaji was around to see it all. I suppose nothing could be more tragic for a man than to see the values he brought up his family on crumble before his eyes. Old age and its infirmities make the experience even more difficult.

I never spent a lot of time with Nanaji but as a kid I spent a lot of time under the same roof with him. My favourite memory of him forever will be watching him take off his false teeth and handing them to one of my cousins for washing. I was fascinated and repelled at the same time. My love for sattu (gram flour) also comes from having watched him have a big glassful of sattu mixed with water and some salt every day. As a teenager, when I spoke to him sometimes, I was astonished to see how well read he was. It has always been my regret of not knowing him better and talking to him more.

Three years ago when I was moving to Hong Kong, I went to visit him. I knew in my heart it was probably the last time I was seeing him. I wanted to visit him when I went to India earlier this year but it could not happen because of lack of planning, limited time and laziness. It will always be my regret that I did not go back to meet him. Wherever you are, be happy Nanaji.