Rant all the way

Once upon a time, I thought I am on my way to becoming a hotshot academician. I no longer harbour those illusions. Probably it is the fickleness of my Gemini nature that nothing interests me for long. But fickle or not, regret never leaves me. The grass is of course greener on the other side as few of my earlier batchmates never forget to remind me. But you see when you decide to bury the prime of your life in books, pouring over antiquated and still relevant theories and thinkers, you know you would never be making big bucks, never jet set on holidays every few months and will have to work hard to put together a really luxurious life. But forget that all. Like a treasure hunter on quest, an academician, especially one for whom the career is not a third or fourth choice, knows it all and gives up all of it for the pure joy of knowledge and its quest. I remember being the happiest during a simulation exercise our professor had asked us to do. I was a US diplomat and I never felt so happy imagining what diplomatic tactics I needed to exercise.

But why I am harking back to what has been put away in the trunk forever? Because P thinks I still have that scholar left in me and I should go back to doing a PhD. Believe me nothing gives me a high as the idea of the Doctor’s title. But I am not sure and yet I am so tempted. The biggest impediment I think is my own uncertainty and lack of belief in my abilities. If possible, I would like to be a China scholar though nothing I have done except living in Hong Kong (which too is courtesy of P) smacks even a tinge of any such latent love. My problem is I do not know if I have it in me anymore. Blame it on hormones but I am really getting worked up thinking for the last few days what I have done with my life. I want to start writing more serious stuff. Probably to see if I still have what it takes to be a good academician. Ok I was never good at studies to start with. I managed. I was more into dreaming, wanting to be an actor and have fun. But I did get into academics and I have never regretted it except for the two years I spent doing M.Phil, which I feel was the most unfruitful part of my university life. Enough of cribbing for a day I suppose.