To Ma

I stood as a kid in front of the mirror, and looked for similarities with you. Your smooth, white complexion, the graceful neck, the straight hair – I did not seem to have been blessed with any of it. The sting of the slap when I did not listen to you, further confirmed my fears that I was not your own.

Almost 25 years later, I cannot help but smile at the memory of my childishness. I am smiling again, as I walk by the dressing table. I am certainly beginning to look like you. The smile readily turns into a frown, as babu scampers with my t-shirt to mop the floor. I hear myself muttering some familiar words. Words you muttered when I and sis were up to some mischief. I wait to see if you heard me. To see if you will tell me that Idepend on her even to express my exasperation with my little devil. But you are busy. Busy being mommy.

I want to run to you once again. To tell you how I have waited a year - to come meet you. To touch you. To eat your food. To see you worked up over details. To drink sugary tea. To wear starched clothes. To smell the incense stick you burn every morning.

As babu runs away to lay siege elsewhere, I wonder would she miss me once she is all grown up. Would she wait to come back to me. Would she love her Ma.

Sleepless in SG

We leave for Spain tomorrow, and as the time for the 14-hour flight approaches, sleep has begun to elude me. It had bothered me less earlier as the daily motions of life, and planning and shopping for the trip kept me on my toes. But now that it is here, I can think of nothing but all that can go wrong travelling with a teething and restless, 15-months old.

A lot of people had warned us about holidays having to be put on hold after the baby's arrival. But to their surprise and ours, the contrary happened. We have been on a few mini vacations including an eight-hour road trip since last year. It has been far from easy. But better than sitting at home and dreaming about all the fun we are missing. Holidays, of course, are not what they used to be.



Everything and every moment has to be worked around the kid's schedule. One full day has to be treated as half a day, as meal times, naps, meltdowns, and the unthinkable have to be factored in. Yet, we have stuck to our guns. Made the best of our circumstances, and been happy with what we could do. And so, going on a long-distance trip seemed ok until now. Anyway, there is no turning back and nothing better than taking the devil by its horns.

Please pray for us, and I will soon send a hola from the other side of the world.

The year that was

The year 2012 was full of revelations – about myself and about people I called my own. My daughter’s birth almost a year ago set in motion a series of incidents that left me bitter, full of rage and cynical. While I struggled to take care of my girl, deal with ailments and settle down in a new country, my extended family ensured that I sank emotionally. I have been through enough quarrels, borne enough insult, been shocked enough, and cried enough as people denied what horrible things they said. I might not be the most perfect being, but I am fair and decent enough. I have never badmouthed anyone (until now), never played dirty games, and never been disrespectful to elders. But when you are forced to listen to insults against your family, be manipulated for everything you say, be taken advantage of because you do not know how to hit back, expected to compromise for the sake of peace at home – something breaks and something changes. I have had enough. Enough of the doormat treatment! I still do not know how to end it, but I am not going to take it anymore.

Finding my feet

You cannot seek peace. You can only live your life, hoping it will seek you some day. And it sought me out last evening as I walked along the Marina reservoir, soaking in the silence evening brings, humming Wo shaam kuch ajeeb thi… It has been over a year since we left Hong Kong, and our life before our girl came along. Pregnancy, displacement anxiety, P’s work situation, family issues, and initial hiccups of parenthood have kept us away from relishing the adventure that moving cities and countries entails. And, I suppose, it has reflected in how I have lived my life in the past one year. Looking back, I am afraid, I have given people the impression that I have been bitter. I was bitter. Bitter the way one is when nothing makes sense. With no friends, nowhere to turn to for support, no help, a battered body and a little baby, I fear, I was depressed for some time. I did not step out of my apartment for days, feeling victimized and wronged. All the optimism that I had gushed about earlier on this blog deserted me. I was so forlorn, so unhappy that I shudder thinking about it now. Thankfully, I have begun to understand the injustice I have been doing to myself. Talking to random people, boring my mother and sister to death, and trying P’s last bit of patience, let me vent out. After months of complaining, I think my negativity is losing steam. Healing begins when you begin to accept your reality. Bit by bit, I am making peace with my situation. I have begun to pick pieces of my life, cherishing all the good stuff it has showered on me.

Bitter and sweet-II

I had never imagined that I would be caught in a complex web of hatred, slander and meanness, but I am. The people involved are some of my closest and the people targeted are the closest too. How can one demand respect when they do not know how to give respect. How can one claim to be hurt when they let go no opportunity to hurt. In the vicious cycle I am caught what I say gets used against me and sadly accepted too.

Bitter and sweet-1

It has been five months since my girl's birth. Five long months that have been filled with countless lessons and revelations about me and others. In the strange world of relationships we tread, there are no caveats about what a possible step could entail. What things seem and what they are - are two different things. And, it is when the two realities collide and put things into perspective, the worthlessness of it all strikes. I am tired - rather shocked by how fragile bonds could be. One invests so much in other people, in forming bonds, but at the end of the day, you realize it was worth nothing. All it takes is ego, jealousy, insecurities and selfishness to undo it all. I am weary of what my daughter will learn out of it. I am disillusioned now that I know how grey the grey is. I often thought that I am fortunate to have been blessed with my little world. But like all bubbles, this one burst.

Get arty

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