Finding my feet

You cannot seek peace. You can only live your life, hoping it will seek you some day. And it sought me out last evening as I walked along the Marina reservoir, soaking in the silence evening brings, humming Wo shaam kuch ajeeb thi… It has been over a year since we left Hong Kong, and our life before our girl came along. Pregnancy, displacement anxiety, P’s work situation, family issues, and initial hiccups of parenthood have kept us away from relishing the adventure that moving cities and countries entails. And, I suppose, it has reflected in how I have lived my life in the past one year. Looking back, I am afraid, I have given people the impression that I have been bitter. I was bitter. Bitter the way one is when nothing makes sense. With no friends, nowhere to turn to for support, no help, a battered body and a little baby, I fear, I was depressed for some time. I did not step out of my apartment for days, feeling victimized and wronged. All the optimism that I had gushed about earlier on this blog deserted me. I was so forlorn, so unhappy that I shudder thinking about it now. Thankfully, I have begun to understand the injustice I have been doing to myself. Talking to random people, boring my mother and sister to death, and trying P’s last bit of patience, let me vent out. After months of complaining, I think my negativity is losing steam. Healing begins when you begin to accept your reality. Bit by bit, I am making peace with my situation. I have begun to pick pieces of my life, cherishing all the good stuff it has showered on me.

Bitter and sweet-II

I had never imagined that I would be caught in a complex web of hatred, slander and meanness, but I am. The people involved are some of my closest and the people targeted are the closest too. How can one demand respect when they do not know how to give respect. How can one claim to be hurt when they let go no opportunity to hurt. In the vicious cycle I am caught what I say gets used against me and sadly accepted too.

Bitter and sweet-1

It has been five months since my girl's birth. Five long months that have been filled with countless lessons and revelations about me and others. In the strange world of relationships we tread, there are no caveats about what a possible step could entail. What things seem and what they are - are two different things. And, it is when the two realities collide and put things into perspective, the worthlessness of it all strikes. I am tired - rather shocked by how fragile bonds could be. One invests so much in other people, in forming bonds, but at the end of the day, you realize it was worth nothing. All it takes is ego, jealousy, insecurities and selfishness to undo it all. I am weary of what my daughter will learn out of it. I am disillusioned now that I know how grey the grey is. I often thought that I am fortunate to have been blessed with my little world. But like all bubbles, this one burst.

Get arty

For all art and craft loving moms and the not yet moms, http://www.artsycraftsymom.com is a treasure trove and an engaging website. And contests like http://www.artsycraftsymom.com/2012/05/giveaway-1-1st-may-to-7th-may.html are a cherry on the cake. Check out the above link for a wonderful prize that you could get lucky with.